Belden – Xanax and My Crush

I had finally found a job with my Master's degree in Art Therapy. Beggars can’t be choosers so I got stuck working with the criminally insane…sex offenders, murderers, pedophiles and all the misfits who were not capable of fitting into the grid of a “normal” society because part of their minds were tuned into a different station (like me). I drove into the city every weekend from my boring, suburban ranch house rental to join the night of the living.

I spent many weekends at that loft space, perhaps due to an anti-anxiety medication I was taking to get over a physically abusive boyfriend who was stalking me (luckily he did not have a car and I could outrun him). The medication sure did loosen me up a bit. I came out of my reclusive, depressed state and flowered into a hot socialite. Wow! I had been missing all of this action all the time! I couldn’t believe how exciting life had now become! And I was getting so skinny, running on empty and sucking up the Chicago urban life.

I had a huge crush on this short boy who was a genius. I used to go to the open mic nights at Estelle’s in Wicker Park and listen to him play guitar and sing. Once in a while he really nailed it and sounded pretty good too. His mother was this manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive woman whose husband had left her in the 60’s for heroin. My friends couldn’t figure out my attraction to him and they were correct in the end - you know how it goes…can’t see reality for the clouds. He also lived at the Belden loft space. He lived in his own little world and I wanted to intrude. The other loft mates had a hard time with him because he didn’t pay the rent and used the only bathtub as a sink, which was always filled with dirty dishes. His part of the loft kept piling up higher and higher with “stuff” that he found on the street. Sometimes he would find a hooker on the street and bring her home – he had such a huge heart. He had rigged up this swing from the ceiling of the loft and it was so much fun to swing with him…like I was floating on air; except when it broke and we crashed….always crash and burn! He would never give me his heart because of “old girl”, who I guess was a girl he had a few dates with who wouldn’t give him the time of day. That’s how it was then – Jack loved Jill who loved Dave who loved Jill but loved heroin more and all that.

I guess when short boy was pining away for old girl and crushing on prostitute, I decided that I did not, after all, have any special hold on him so I finally let go and went looking for another “wounded soldier” as my brother would say.